Being in love…

On the heart, on matters of the heart I have loved mostly because I received very little of it. Love seemed to be the only way I thought it would be possible to be . To be love and not receive love can be quite draining but for a child it can be just about the only way to survive. I only loved because even thou there was a lot pain around e it came from love a need of receiving it. Need of feeling it because of love we endured we survived. It didn’t cost much to say to a child ‘I love you…’

My parents didn’t receive much love and there was a civil war and lots of problems com with it. I when I was a child I wanted to hear the words I love you. I think we all do all things and all people some more then others. I grew into love with myself when I realised that no one can really love you if you don’t love yourself no one can appreciate who you are if you don’t respect yourself. It grows with me every year the need to raise my self love higher and often I show love to myself by kissing my own skin I tell me I love me. I do love me. Truly as I am the only one I will ever truly get to know. I am in me and all the pain transform into tears as I learn to feel and felt I transform it to love. I feel it I breath it in learn from it. When I meet people in Europe in the counties I been to most of them were so empty that if you gave them love they hurt you back, it seem to me they were just empty it and damaged in a different way numb unaware of love even friendship love they sneered at even brotherly love. Some of them were completely ignorant of it or shut their senses to it. It made me realize they all in their different ways also wanted love but from a different place. Where I came from it there was pain atrocity and great lost. Continue reading

Some more on after a few months after Ayahuasca… Or something like that.

I then know we all know we are all one.  A perfect illustration of this is when one is cold and hungry and looking for shelter, lost in a huge forest, and seeing a light at a distance with the hope that somewhere in that light there are comfort and shelter and warmth and smiles.

The feeling of eating when you’re really starved, so much that the touch of food on your lips fills you with tears of joy: I have been that hungry person and I shed those tears. In these tears burn love and compassion and they are tears of joy and love that food is entering a stomach that had known what it was like to feel empty. Continue reading

Some 3 weeks after taking Ayahuasca part-deux…

I stopped any sexual relations with others for nearly five months; I didn’t feel any need to connect in that way. Together with swimming and my meditation and exercises, I was finding new ways of channelling my own power. I just felt real love and a deep oneness with myself and I wanted to explore where this was taking me. During this period I was in search of more techniques to help me unlock and learn about my fears and their roots. I went to a sweat lodge; later I spent time in a shamanic Icarus ceremony. I also experienced drinking peyote, during which I cried a lot as a result – I really couldn’t stop crying. It was a very deep spiritual experience, especially the sweat lodge – I felt like I was in the womb of Mother Earth. Continue reading