Being in love…

On the heart, on matters of the heart I have loved mostly because I received very little of it. Love seemed to be the only way I thought it would be possible to be . To be love and not receive love can be quite draining but for a child it can be just about the only way to survive. I only loved because even thou there was a lot pain around e it came from love a need of receiving it. Need of feeling it because of love we endured we survived. It didn’t cost much to say to a child ‘I love you…’

My parents didn’t receive much love and there was a civil war and lots of problems com with it. I when I was a child I wanted to hear the words I love you. I think we all do all things and all people some more then others. I grew into love with myself when I realised that no one can really love you if you don’t love yourself no one can appreciate who you are if you don’t respect yourself. It grows with me every year the need to raise my self love higher and often I show love to myself by kissing my own skin I tell me I love me. I do love me. Truly as I am the only one I will ever truly get to know. I am in me and all the pain transform into tears as I learn to feel and felt I transform it to love. I feel it I breath it in learn from it. When I meet people in Europe in the counties I been to most of them were so empty that if you gave them love they hurt you back, it seem to me they were just empty it and damaged in a different way numb unaware of love even friendship love they sneered at even brotherly love. Some of them were completely ignorant of it or shut their senses to it. It made me realize they all in their different ways also wanted love but from a different place. Where I came from it there was pain atrocity and great lost. Yet these people I encountered were conditioned differently and seemed very cold and distant when it came to even asking for a hug. The all affair caused me confusion, social mishaps, at times even great sadness to realize we were all lacking from lacking in different ways not knowing at times how we can meet our own needs. Even socialise and share a mutual gound. Let alone meet in a closer intimate space. Mostly is even hard to imagine such a place where everything just flows and its pure love. For I may only witness a perception and it may not be an authentically shared experience. Inside me I feel love and I can share it I always have and it seems limitless and it endures storms because I had no sense of self I was blind for most of my 6 years of my childhood. I remember after taking my eye patch and I saw the world and how people treated each other I was really shocked confused and sad. My mother she had about 3 jobs in one of them she worked as a carer with children with Dawn syndrome and I used to go and stay with her after school was finished and I felt like I was in heaven with those children I felt in the presence of Angels it was a peaceful place a refuge for me from the playground. I was saddened by they way people really were. I could not believe that the world I perceived with sight and sound looked so different.
By seeing people as they are with their strengths and weaknesses which can be perceived as great unique traits. Great styles masks and habits we have good and bad can be lovable depending from what angle one looks from. I have loved seeing really understanding what I can see and perceive, immensely since I understood with the eyes of love to cherish all the diversity there is in all of whom have come across my path. I have given a lot of love to the point I hurt as I realized I to needed to receive love in order to be really in the picture too. I now spend my time quietly just creating beautiful lovely thoughts  and going through all the knots in my heart and aligning them caressing them mending them nurturing their harshness into softness or sometimes I just let them be. As time passes something gives way I seem to create a new way to be the old me dies inside me grows a new way to sense myself learning a new to be. I often wonder shall I fully let go and just let it be or will it grow into something new something I have not yet been.
Loving my child has been and still is a great lesson in love I suffered a lot of pain just through a difficult birth which took about 8 days. During his 4 years with me I worked a lot about my own personal development journey. Mostly because I endured a lot of negative traumatic experiences in childhood which I never had the time to reflect on. Mostly I wonder which of these experiences has made me love and accept myself more. Which version I have been I love because there is no other way to be. I love because I cannot truly own anything but I feel love as I breath and I exist it feels like the only thing that is truly mine and I can play it time after time in slow motion at any speed it is still my vision and version of reality a memory mine to keep. A story I tell or a new dream to have from a distant faded memory.
Is the breath not love for it gives me life and it feels me inside. I eat but the breath gives me so much more than just strength. The breath is life and death. The passing of time is felt through the breath in our lungs and the beat of our hearts. When I was a child I decided I did not want to hurt anyone and I wanted to love everyone. As I grew older I learned to differentiate ignorance and responsibility as one gets hurt by others ignorance or our own ignorance hurts our self’s and others and use rational understanding and inner strength to correct our selves or walk away from a situation which does not create the highest good for all. I still feel pain but I love the lesson and I love love for teaching me to respect myself and respect the truth and the light in a balanced way I can only do that with love. I can only accept my own unresolved anger and frustration because I know love. I learned love from lost and pain. Through love I have gained so much more than just pain. It hurts to change my pain into love for I have to forgive and release my pain and that takes a great deal of effort to go within while I am conscious of how someone’s ignorance has hurt me. It takes gentle strength to tell them the words I need them to hear my quiet resistance to get them to reflect on the space of love we can bring in to what we are creating together. I can only have compassion when I do that for my self and all I am to even begin to practise that kind of love.
I wonder how much love it will take me to truly share all these layers and varied types of love I have within me. I am open to share it here. Love loving and with love comes pain and through feeling that pain it turns in to. In that figure of eight comes to mind it revolves around it self. I am grateful and glad for lovers who hurt me for their ignorance and drama made me hurt into growth and learning through my pain. Grew me into love and so it goes the love and hate it hurts to love and knowing I cannot own it or make it do what I want it to do. I can only feel it express it and grow it every second into something new. When it’s lost and it goes away I look into my memories and see the versions of love I had once lived my valleys are changes and through love still grows. I know nothing but that is how love goes from my heart and mind connecting I see feel love even in the darkest times of my journey with lovers. The lessons the arguments and disagreements become a bigger part of me through that symphony I seem to be arranging with all the understanding and feeling I came to muster as me just being and creating.